Divorce: A Loss Worse Than Death

Thoughts on what it feels like to get divorced, why people react the way they do, and how you can help someone going through a divorce.  

I ought to start off with a disclaimer: I can’t take credit for the thoughts expressed in this post. The sentiments that I am going to share were first communicated to me by divorced friends. Although I did not originate these ideas, they are an accurate reflection of my own experience. For this reason, I feel comfortable reiterating the words of my friends as if they were my own. I’d give them credit, but I think they would prefer to remain anonymous. 

I know that it won’t surprise anyone if I say that, for those who experience divorce, it is a huge loss. What might surprise you is that, in many ways, is a more traumatic experience than if one's spouse had died. I know, it’s a morbid thought, right? And please understand that I’m not wishing for anyone to die, or God forbid, promoting murder or suicide. I’m merely trying to shed light on the tremendous amount of pain that is experienced when a marriage ends. 

First, let’s compare the emotions that are present in a death vs. a divorce. When one loses a spouse to death, there is an absence companionship accompanied feelings of loneliness and isolation. This loneliness and isolation are also experienced by someone who is separated from a spouse by divorce. Unlike a death, however, the circumstances of the divorce give rise to a more complex set of emotions. The fact that the ex is still around but no longer loves or appreciates his or her former spouse means that in addition to the loss, there is a sense of rejection. This feeling of being rejected, in turn, gives rise to guilt, anger, resentment, and a sense of failure and inadequacy.  

Another important distinction between divorce and death is the way one deals with memories of the significant other. When a spouse dies, the survivor will treasure everything that reminds them of that person. His or her pictures will remain on the walls, letters and love notes will be scrapbooked, etc. In divorce, however, the memories are destroyed: pictures are torn down and discarded, letters are burned, etc. It’s as if one’s entire past with his or her ex is erased. There are no happy memories remaining to give comfort. In fact, any recollection of the ex only brings pain. In this way the loss is more complete in a divorce: one's ex isn’t just dead to him or her—it’s as if he or she never existed. 

Unfortunately for divorced folks, try as they may to erase the memories, their ex still exists. This is actually the most painful part of the ordeal, especially if he or she is compelled to interact with the ex on a regular basis. In the best of circumstances, a divorced person will find that the former spouse has become indifferent to him or her. It is more common, however, for the ex to be hostile, antagonistic, and vindictive. The person who was formerly a best friend has been replaced by a bitter enemy. It’s the worst exchange imaginable.... 

Given that divorce is so devastating, it’s surprising that people aren’t more supportive. When someone loses a family member to death, there are typically condolences and hugs. Friends and neighbors will send flowers or stop by with a casserole. When someone gets divorced, however, people don’t usually show support in any way. The only way in which they acknowledge the divorce is by being awkwardly distant. People don’t seem to know how to act towards someone who is getting divorced, and so they feel uncomfortable getting involved. 

There are several explanations for why people show less sympathy after a divorce than after a death. It could be that they blame the divorced person for what happened and therefore don’t want to appear to show support. Or perhaps they feel like showing support for their divorced friend and not his or her ex-spouse would constitute taking sides. Sometimes people are deterred from getting involved because they suspect some kind of misconduct has occurred: What could have happened to end the marriage? Was there infidelity? Drug addiction? Abuse? Even if no transgression is suspected, the fact that someone is divorced is sometimes enough to tarnish his or her reputation. He must not have taken his vows seriously, right? If only she had tried harder or held on longer... 

Those who have sympathy for a divorced friend are sometimes hesitant to get involved because they don’t know how to help. After all, if your friend were moving, you’d show up ready to lift furniture. But what do you do when the problem is emotional, and there is nothing you can do to change the situation? Although you might feel helpless, you can do more good than you might realize. The first and most important step that you can take is to simply make contact. Consider that your divorced friend is probably feeling like he or she is wearing a scarlet letter; there is a sense of being tainted and unworthy, and this leads him or her to self-isolate and avoid contact with former associates. The loneliness that results from this self-isolation only increases his or her shame, and a vicious cycle begins. When you reach out to your divorced friend, you break the cycle of shame and isolation, and that alone will do an immeasurable amount of good. 

To demonstrate the importance of reaching out to a friend who is going through a divorce, I’d like to share a meaningful experience that I had recently. It all started when a friend of mine heard that I was getting divorced in the small talk following a meeting. As soon as he understood what I was going through, he expressed his sympathy and told me he would call later that evening. I got a call from him shortly after leaving the meeting, and he asked how I was holding up. Being a man, I did what all men do and tried to be stoic: I said that I was fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. To my surprise, he called me out on my lie and told me that I needed to be more open. He explained that he had called so that he could listen as I vented all of my suppressed emotions. It turned out that this was exactly what I needed. For once, I didn’t say all the things I was supposed to say: that I had forgiven her and moved on, that the kids were fine, that being a single father wasn’t that difficult, etc. Instead, I told my friend that I felt rejected and worthless, that I blamed myself for what had happened, that I was bitterly angry, not just at her, but at humanity in general, and that it broke my heart to see what was happening to my kids. He listened to my whole rant and told me that he had been there too: before his current marriage, he had had a brief marriage that had ended in divorce. Everything that I was feeling was similar to what he had felt, and he knew just how devastating it was. That’s why he was concerned about me, and that is also how he knew what I needed. 

So to end on a positive note, if there is something to be gained from the horrible experience of divorce, it is the ability to empathize with others who are going the the same thing. The exquisite pain of the experience is like an initiation; you can never look at the situation the same way again. When you see someone else going through it, you aren’t just sorry—you actually feel for them. Pain, in the end, is the price we pay in order to gain understanding. And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth it.